Teens Unite Fighting Cancer

Teens Unite Fighting Cancer is dedicated to improving the lives of young people aged between 13-24 with cancer and life limiting illnesses.

Tuesday 26 July 2016

Cancer and Relationships

Blog post from Emma, a young person battling cancer - http://emmalouisedunn.com/
 
"Hi guys, today I want to talk about cancer and relationships/friendships. I have also reached out and spoken to people who have been affected by cancer directly, or through a family member or friend and I’d like to share their thoughts throughout this post. I’ve shed a few tears writing this blog post but in a way I’m glad. I hope it comes across the way I want it too.
 
I have experienced in the past 6 years that my cancer diagnosis affects my family and friends. Sometimes, the complex feelings and lifestyle changes that are caused by cancer as well as the cancer treatment can become as overwhelming for others in my life as they are for me. It’s extremely difficult to see it that way at times. For example, when I hear important people in my life say that they need a break. People can have breaks from me, from my cancer. I live with it on my mind and in my body 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I never get a break and it makes me so upset to feel like people need a break from me. The cancer is part of me, whether I like it or not. I may have mood swings and seem like a less bubbly, more anxious and introvert version of myself but I promise, spend a little time around me and you’ll see that I’m still myself.
 
Not only does cancer affect the relationships between friendships and partners but it also has a huge affect on parents of those with cancer. Since I was diagnosed six years ago, my biological father became a total waste of space and my mum stood up to the role of mum and dad. At the age of 18 she should be waiting for me to stumble through the door at 3am drunk but instead she’s been sat by my hospital bed wondering if I’ll ever get a break from this awful disease. My mum has spent everyday since my diagnosis with me, helping me get dressed, feeding me etc. I have almost reverted back to being a baby at points where I couldn’t function without her support 24 hours a day. Our relationship has changed significantly since the year of my diagnosis. I was an angry, hormonal teenager that blamed anyone  and everyone for what I was going through. They say you take your hurt and anger out on those closest to you, those who mean the most. I most definitely did for more than 4 years, I put my mum through absolute hell but she was always there at the end of the day for a shoulder for me to cry on.
 
Being in a relationship whilst having cancer can be difficult and straining on both parts. Every couple’s story of cancer and how it affects them is completely unique and every couple will be at a different stage of togetherness (I’m sure that’s a word) during that time.
I feel like cancer can have an enormous strain on couples and relationships. People deal with it in different ways and some couples come out of the other side as a stronger unit, however for some it can mean the end of a relationship.
 
I don’t tend to openly talk about struggles that me and Dion have been through but for the importance of this post, there have been times during my treatment where we thought it’d take a miracle for us to make it to the other side and still together. Being so sick from the chemotherapy and feeling insecure and ugly from the weight loss, gain, hair loss, NG tubes, to name just a few, that many people including myself have to go through during treatment left Dion being unable to “fix me” and make things better, like he could if I was sad with a cuddle and a pep talk. The loss of control left him feeling inadequate and as if his best wasn’t good enough but I don’t think he realises that in actual fact everything he does is more than good enough whether it’s lifting me out of the bath when my legs get too tired, or making countless trips to the kitchen for me when I have a sudden crave for food that has to be fulfilled that second!
 
Our relationship is just different to that of a normal healthy couple. Since my recent diagnosis meals out followed by bowling have turned into a takeaway followed by him helping me out of the bath. No, that doesn’t mean that we’re always going to be this way but priorities, responsibilities and roles change and will continue to change throughout all of my treatment. We’re both 18 years old and should be going to parties, our only concerns being how to cure a hangover in the morning but instead were preparing for long days in hospital for my chemotherapy. Dion’s taken a lot off of my shoulders and placed them onto his. Little things like walking Nala, making the bed etc. Our lives are a little all over the place at the moment but it’s sort of an organised chaos.
 
Cancer and friendships are also very similar, especially for those having cancer at such a young age. When I was first diagnosed at the age of 11 none of my friends had ever heard of someone their own age with cancer and almost all of them were scared of saying the wrong thing. I vividly remember, one of my friends approaching me and asking me if I was going to die. That for me, was a new low. I was eleven years old and my friend thought I was going to die and as a result I thought I was going to die.
 
Throughout the past 6 years I have learnt that sometimes friends just don’t know how to deal with the fact they might lose me. Some friends have been consistent, never left my side or let me battle anything alone but others are just terrified of getting too close. This used to make me angry, how did they think I felt? Cancer didn’t/doesn’t define me, I am still me but all they can see is the cancer, and the illness. Fast forward to today, I understand that sometimes it’s just too difficult to get close. People cope in different ways and that’s okay but I wish they’d see that I’m the one living this hell and while they can pretend my illness doesn’t exist, or that I don’t exist it feels like I’m repeatedly being punched in the face by life.
 
This is the part where I’d like to share some other people’s thoughts and feelings. Some are cancer patients, others are loved ones but I have decided to keep all of their identities anonymous unless stated otherwise because sometimes writing about it can be a relief but then re-reading it and being spoken to about it can also bring back a rush of emotions not ready to be felt and people reaching out to them may not be something they’d appreciate at this moment in time.
 
 “I think cancer within a friendship brings you closer but also sets a fear to it, especially being so far away and not being able to physically do anything. There’s the fear of losing the person. Maybe it’s just me, having already lost one of my best friends but you don’t know what you need, to be an awful person and distance yourself in the chance what you’re seeing will hurt less but with that comes the guilt. Or the staying as you are and being there no matter what and just riding it out and praying everyday things will be okay. It’s brings out a love you didn’t know you had, and this warm feeling in your chest when you realise how proud of them you are. Cancer brings a roller coaster of emotions but you’ve just got to ride it.”  – Affected by a loved one with cancer.
“I realized who my real friends are in a situation like this.
My relationship with my boyfriend has actually been better but that’s just me.
I think what’s really important to have during treatment is an intimate relationship (not physical) with anyone but where you can talk about your biggest concerns and such.” – A cancer survivor.
“People telling me I’m an ‘inspiration’ and coming to me for ‘life advice’ like I’m the wise man who knows all. It gets kinda annoying, sadly I don’t spend as much time as I used to with the people who now do this, it’s not as if I want to be reminded of my experiences.” – A cancer survivor. 
“I think following a cancer diagnosis or relapse, your initial reaction is just an overwhelming fear and sadness, but then when you think about how they may be feeling and the newer statistics, the fear settles and it just becomes life as it was apart from the interruptions of hospital visits and chemo as the cancer diagnosis doesn’t change them, much as they may think it has not had it changed your opinions and over time, their worries become your worries. From constantly checking your phone on hospital visit days while nail bitingly waiting for the news to being at the end of the phone when they just need a pick up but along side the physical issues, as a friend you do have the mood swings, the slow replies, the deep and upsetting chats and you have a lot of motivational talks you will need to do but that’s just part of playing the role of a friend. You can’t physically aid them or cure them, but you can try to make a difference to their life by being there and supporting them and lifting them up when they thought nobody could. It kind of becomes your job.
Living so far away from Emma for me makes it more difficult as I constantly want to help and be there as I do for any of my friends, but when you hear that things are deteriorating or that Emma is not well, not being around the corner means I can’t just hop on the bus to her and can’t offer the support I would like to. However, when you do get good news or when a loved one finishes their treatment that sense of pride and love totally overwhelms the worries and tears. You learn to not take anything for granted and very milestone feels huge and filled with pride. However, when a diagnosis becomes declared “terminal” I personally still struggle to comprehend that. I struggle to look at Emma and think that she is unwell as her optimistic outlook and personality take over the bald head and physical weaknesses. Because of this, I don’t think that anyone can prepare to lose someone they love. I will admit, I have my moments like at Emma’s wedding, when I got home after a beautiful night, I just cried because despite how perfect it was, I don’t understand how someone so beautiful can be so poorly, it just doesn’t sit right. I know that it’s gonna be a struggle when the time does come for anybody, and there is the battle with yourself whether you stay by them and support as much as you can until the end, or do you back off and deal with the guilt of “did I do enough”. For me, I choose to stay and support to my fullest and deal with what comes after but I do think this struggle affects relationships in that” – Affected by a loved one with cancer. 
“I’m losing friends… through partly my fault because of things like refusing to go outside and chemo brain nuking my ability to remember things. Like, whOOPS I know I said I’d message you like three weeks ago but I forgot :/. Also relationships are hard because I get really unfortunately resentful of my friends with normal lives and like, they’re all moving forward and I’m stuck here. ugh. I feel kinda hopeless romantic relations wise ’cause I never had one before cancer and now I feel like 5000% less desirable, I guess.” – A cancer survivor. 
“People saying things like “you are faking… It’s not so hard your situation, you could be worse”, “if you died, can I have your computer?”, “Stop crying… Crying will not cure you”, “Ok, you are in pain, but there is nothing we can do!”, “That cancer is your fault…”
Some people don’t know how to deal with cancer or simply don’t have much patience…” – A cancer survivor.
“The day I moved house, I was in surgery having a squamous cell carcinoma removed from my nose.. I had a skin graft from my neck to cover it….
So the day I moved in with my partner… I had a huge dressing to my face and neck, his reaction wasn’t what I’d hoped for, and it was clear he wasn’t up for looking after me. First mention of cancer and he closed down… Lots of things went wrong, but this was the first. It was for the best in the long run…
My cancer wasn’t a threat to my life, I know it’ll come back, but it’s treatable as long as I keep an eye on it.” – A cancer survivor.
 “Obviously I wasn’t with her before her diagnosis, we were friends but not overly close. I don’t think our relationship was made any worse by the cancer, we were always a duo and the fact that she was fighting this horrible illness did not affect that. However, it is a huge strain to go through chemo and in our case a stem cell transplant together. She always used to tell me that chemo was equally bad for both of us as I dealt with her mood swings, tears and worst of all cravings!!
The hardest thing is to witness someone who you love with everything you have, being so ill in a hospital bed. To watch them wake up from a coma and repeatedly say your name until you’re there to make it all seem okay again. To watch them cry because “they’re ugly” as hair falls out during chemo, when you know how insanely beautiful they look with or without hair. For me, the cancer didn’t change anything. I love her more than anything, she’s been gone 8 months now and to me, nothing has changed apart from the fact I can’t physically hug her anymore.
I have two moments that stick out for me majorly. Once we were walking up a hill and I noticed how out of breath she was, so I offered to give her a piggy back and as soon as I picked her up, she collapsed into tears on my back because “she was so sick of being ill.” For me this was so heartbreaking because I honestly would’ve given anything to make her better, and all I could give was not enough.
Another moment that is really significant to me is when she told me that she wasn’t going to beat cancer. She had a type of cancer which she had always been told that she would survive, as the survival rates were so high, and until the end she was still expected to make it. But she knew deep down that she wouldn’t. I remember her sitting next to me and gripping my hand so tight. She told me that she could feel something in her lungs, she didn’t know what it was but she wasn’t going to get better. She told me not to panic, and most importantly not to tell anyone because she wasn’t planning on telling anyone else. That moment for me was utterly heart shattering, to know that the one person you love more than anything on earth isn’t going to be here anymore is just incomprehensible but the comfort I still receive from being her one person to tell everything to is so wonderful.
I’d do absolutely anything to have her back, I still speak to her every day and I write letters to her because I know how much she’d love to be updated on my life. Knowing when to move on is such a struggle right now but being happy and content with our memories is so important.
In answer to Emma’s question, cancer is a strain in any relationship. It provides a whole new perspective on life, but makes you so much stronger as a pair.” – Affected by a loved one with cancer. 
“I heard people talking behind my back “it can’t be real cancer, she didn’t get chemo” … I tried to explain that I have Chondrosarcoma and neither chemo nor radiation work… Only radical surgery.
A lot of people stopped talking to me but I guess that’s also kinda good because now I know who my true friends are” – A cancer survivor. 
“I came off treatment over 2 years before he did. When we met, I was a cancer survivor, and he was a cancer patient. We’re both survivors now, but I have so many side effects, that he often has to partner the boyfriend role and the carer role. I can’t imagine how straining that must be for him, and how much strength and patience it takes for him. But I’m eternally grateful for him, and his love and care. So in answer to your question Emma, cancer brings pain, tears and heartbreak in relationships, but in my case, it’s also the reason I found my partner. So I’m grateful for that.” – A cancer survivor and also affected by a loved one with cancer. 
“As a mum of a child with cancer it’s really difficult because all you want to do is protect your child but you feel like that right is taken away from you and it’s down to the consultant to make the choices about YOUR OWN child now.
I don’t like going to see the consultant because sometimes they give us some news that I may not like and it does really hurt. I feel like I’m no longer in control of my child and it’s a horrible feeling.
I also feel like it’s important to spend quality time with my other children too, as they know that I have no choice but to spend lots of time with my daughter in hospitals etc. So spending quality time with my other children is important so that they know they are just as special as their sister.” – A mother of someone affected by cancer.
 
All of the views in quotation marks are views of others and not that of my own, I hope that you enjoyed my latest blog post and that it helped you in some kind of way. This post has been a long one, and usually I’d apologise but I  feel like this subject is important to talk about because it can be hard to see that every part of life is affected by cancer.
 
Thank you to everyone who kindly shared their thoughts and allowed me to include them in my post, in doing so you’re helping so many people understand the importance of relationships and support during cancer.
 
Love always,
 
Emma Xx"
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